You know, a few weeks ago, I told my ‘mentor’ that I suffer from depression. Because I thought my mentor should be aware of it.
Now, keep in mind that I hadn’t even had my first meeting with him yet. I had only spoken to him previously over the phone, although I had seen him in the NEIS course.
Anyway, do you know what he said to me after I confided in him that I was prone to depression? Something like: “I run a business program, we don’t do touchy feely stuff here…”. [I’ve forgotten exactly how he worded it]
But it wasn’t so much what he said as the way he said it. He said it with a superior attitude, and this intonation that made it seem like he was ‘above’ that kind of thing. Like “touchy feely” stuff is for weak individuals. And then he continued with this nagging voice: “If you can’t even…” [he claimed he had left “loads of messages”, but I never received any]
Straight away, I could tell that not only did this man not understand the disease at all, but he had zero empathy (not to mention zero tact). Something didn’t feel right. It took me a few days to realise it, but eventually I decided that I am going to have to change my mentor.
He might as well have said “I am a man, and men should never show their emotions or feelings.” [he didn’t]
But what he did say was that I was “hiding in Bundeena”. Quote – unquote. Ouch.
Now I am not even going to start defending my actions here, because I have been putting myself out there. I am not even going to describe what I have been doing.
In this life, I have learned that it’s better to ignore these kinds of statements, because as soon as you start defending yourself with “I have certainly not been hiding”, then they will start interrogating you “What have you been doing then?”. See what I mean? By going down that path, you have invariably made yourself more vulnerable than before. Because the other person will automatically judge whether they think you have been putting yourself out there enough for them. And it never is enough for them, because they’ve already made up their mind at that point about you. Right?
So I view that phrase “hiding in Bundeena” as a kind of attack on my persona. And I am not going to put up with it.
How do you tell someone that you know that they are not going to be a good mentor for you?
If I had that conversation again, I would probably quip: “what kind of a negative statement is that to make about anybody?”.
I have been saying to people that it is simply “a clash of personalities” [I probably shouldn’t even say that]. I have heard that it’s not always about the mentor selecting the right candidate, but the reverse is also sometimes true. The mentor must also be a good fit for the mentee/protégé.
Sorry bud, but if you start a sentence with “if you can’t even…”, then I don’t want you to be my mentor. Heck, when you speak to me with such disrespect, I realise I could probably be your mentor. And lesson one would be all about adequate communication. And contained within that lesson would be making people feel good about themselves with positive statements and affirmations, not attempting to make them feel worse by antagonising them.
There is nothing wrong with connecting with our feelings. Because feelings drive people more than anything else in the world. Workers that feel right when working are more productive, aren’t they? So there is the direct link between feelings and business. And how long does it take? Two seconds? Five minutes? 15 minutes?
I am not ashamed of my feelings. It doesn’t make me any less of a man.
So yes, I am definitely going to change my mentor, I just thought the entire world should know that. I suppose I will have to practise saying it that directly: “I don’ t think you are the right mentor for me”.